A few more thoughts for tonight...We've had a week of rapidly changing weather, and as Patrick and I are driving back and forth to Hershey each day, it will often alternate between downpours and sunshine, and occasionally it will do both things at the same time. It's been prime rainbow weather every day.
Only I haven't seen one.
I'd find myself making little deals in my head with God in the car. "Okay," I'd think. "If I see a rainbow, that means Brigid's going to be fine." And then I'd crane my neck all over looking for one, all the while reasoning with myself that even if I don't see a rainbow, she could still be fine and realizing that I could see one and she could die tomorrow. I'm testing God, I'd think, and then I'd feel ashamed of my silliness. He doesn't owe me a sign. He's told me enough about himself for me to have faith in this situation, whether or not I see a rainbow.
It's not faith that Brigid will be okay that I'm called to have. If that were the case, and she died, my faith would be shattered.
Rather, it's faith in God's goodness. It's faith in the fact that His ways are not our ways. That all things work together for the good of those who love Him. It's faith that God is sovereign and knows us and loves us and sees our situation. Faith that we're still in the palm of His hand. It's faith that if it's His will for her to heal and grow, she will. And if it's not, we'll still be okay. It's faith that He knows more than we do. Faith that He is trustworthy and that He loves our baby girl even more than we do.
This is the faith that we are called to have. This is the faith that I have to exercise each day, as surely as an athlete exercises his heart and muscles for an endurance trial. God is so good to give us our daily bread - the strength to get through each day, even when we don't know what is at the end of the road.
I'll still crane my neck to look for the rainbows.
But not because they have anything to do with Brigid.
Image: http://climate.met.psu.edu/www_prod/data/frost/frosttraining.php#Optics
6 comments:
When I had my miscarriage in 2009, I wanted to blame everything and everyone. I couldn't understand why God would let that happen. And then to find out my own sister wasn't ever trying and got pregnant. I had to have faith. I told God that I still loved him, that he was still good to me. And try and find all the positives God has already given me. It was hard, but it was the only way I was able to accept what happen, and realize that God didn't want to hurt me, and that he has his reasons. I don't know what they are, but I know that their is a baby waiting to greet me when I go to heaven someday. And I also see that this past Mother's Day I was given the perfect gift of all, Erik.
I saw a rainbow tonight at work! Does that count? :)
Your faith muscle is HUGE! Way to work it, Eileen!
what a picture the weather has been of your week in general. sun followed by dark clouds and rain, followed by a patch of sunlight, only to be swallowed up by darkness again...only to give way to beauty and peace once more. sometimes rain and sun at the same time, causing us to stop and look around. there is something/SOMEONE behind all this seemingly chaotic stuff!
not sure there could be a better metaphor for NICU life!!
way to keep that faith, girl! you are doing GREAT!!
I love you. And, I am UBER inspired by your post. I think...you got it right. Sean and I are praying for, and thinking of Brigid when he nurses. I think that he is the family member who was most recently with God- and therefore he's got connections ;-)
I am very late at finding your blog so I am catching up in your previous posts.
I, too, often test God with looking for a rainbow or other sign that things will go "my" way....and what you wrote here is beautiful and true. God doesn't need to provide a sign for us....he loves us and knows best.
Thank you for these beautiful words and sharing your strong faith.
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