We're Movin' on Up!

As if the addition of a new baby girl were not exciting enough, our family has even more news to share:  we are moving up!  Up north, that is - to New Hampshire.

Not only has it felt rather cramped in our small townhome with three active boys, a new baby (and all the accoutrements that come with a baby - gosh, there's a lot of stuff, isn't there?), and a dog, but Pennsylvania holds a lot of sad memories for us.  We're excited about moving away from some of them and starting with a clean slate in a new place.  But we will miss the amazing friends we have made here, too.

The timing is quick - Patrick got a transfer with his current job and will be able to continue working for the same company in a new territory.  We'll likely be there by the end of February. (She says in mid-January with nothing packed and no where to go to yet.  We're very Keep Calm and Carry On around here these days, with an itty bit of Freak Out now and again just to prove we're human.)

Three boys, a baby who's just gotten over RSV, a dog, a slightly sick mommy, house hunting eight hours away, purging belongings, packing, and moving.  That's how it is nowadays!

A New Year's Post

We have had a lot of changes in our family over the last year.

The biggest news is our new addition: Maeve Bronagh!

She was born on November 4 and has lived up to the meaning of her name - the cause of great joy!

Her big brothers are completely smitten with her, and she is a very sweet, happy, and easy baby.  Let's hear it for that last part!

Jack is in kindergarten and just turned six in November.  He is a reading machine. He loves building things with Legos, and he just lost his first tooth a few weeks ago.

PJ is four and a half. He is loving preschool and really enjoys drawing pictures.  He is probably the most baby-crazy of the brothers, giving Maeve lots of hugs, kisses, and cuddles.

Tommy is just a few weeks shy of three years old. He is huge, fearless, unpredictable and wicked smaht.  He's also silly and cuddly.  It makes for an exacerbating combination, as we alternate several times per day between wanting to kiss him and duct tape him to a chair for a while so we can catch our breath.

We used most of 2012 to heal and reconnect as a family.  We are using 2013 to make a fresh start.  There are some other exciting changes on the horizon that will help us to do this, but I will have to post more about those later.

Happy New Year from our family to yours!

Disney!

Disney was magical.

Disney was beautiful.

Disney was emotional.  Very emotional.  I found myself crying every day at unexpected times.  I mean, sure I always cry in the shower when I am thinking about the girls.  That's a given.  But who cries during the parade on Main Street, USA?  This moi.

Patrick wrote a post on facebook that we were taking the trip to honor our girls and I wrote this comment to explain:

It may seem funny to say that we're taking a trip in their honor, but we got a small sum of life insurance upon Brigid's death and decided to do something special for our family with it instead of just paying bills or buying a headstone for them. We're so grateful to be here, but constantly reminded of the great cost to our family. I see princesses and wish my girls could be here with me...and then remember that if they were here, we wouldn't be in Disney right now. It's this brutal fluctuation between great joy and great sorrow that happens all day long. Very difficult to process.

So while it was incredibly warm and fun and fantastic, we both found ourselves so overcome with emotions that it was also rather draining.

And you may be thinking right now, Come on, Eileen, you're complaining about a trip to Disney World?

I'm not.  It was fantastic.  I think the next time we go (!) it won't be like that.  It was just the juxtaposition of the extreme joy that comes from watching three of your children see the castle and the mouse and the awesomeness of it for the first time and the extreme sorrow that comes from knowing that you're only able to afford letting them do that right now because two of your children are dead.

I know, right? Whoa.

But the weather was so warm and the pools were heated in our beautiful hotel and we got to meet just about every single character there was to meet and fill up our autograph book and that. Was. Awesome!

This little photo album has some of the best pictures from the trip and even a few videos.  You can hover over each one to enlarge it and just click on the play button for the videos.  It may take a second or two for all the photos from each page to load at first, but if you give it a little time, they'll all be there.  My favorites are the photo of PJ and his shadow, which is very old-school Mickey Mouse Club-esque, Jack with his Mickey ears on, and the video of Tommy and Stitch. 

Enjoy!

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Visiting our cousins

We spent a lovely week in New Hampshire visiting with family and friends between Christmas and New Year's Day. The boys love spending time with their Greenland cousins, who are each about five or six months older than each of our boys.  Everyone gets along so well, and it's fun to see the similarities between the cousins.  They also got to spend time with a new Chester cousin, Sean, this blue-eyed heartbreaker right here:

 Can you stand it?   The boys loved smothering him, baby lovers that they are.

PJ and Sophie are both middle children and always manage to find each other when they're spending time together.  I happen to think they also look a lot alike.

Spaghetti dinner with the whole crew!

Easing into the morning (sort of) with lots of cuddles on the sofabed.

My then soon-to-be two year old was looking awfully grown up to me when we visited the children's museum.

Entertaining...no one in particular.

Watching the snow fall with cousin Lucy and Auntie Katie.

Cutthroat checkers.

There was something for everyone, and a good time was had by all.

We're looking forward to going back again soon!

The Beginning of the End

Oh my.  So many things have happened since the last post.  I'm going to try to get updated this week, especially for those folks who live far away (hi, Su!).  Now, here it is the first month of 2012 - the end of that month, actually - and I already feel like this is going to be a year of new beginnings for myself.  I feel a renewed desire to get organized, get in shape, and to get myself in a better frame of mind.  Not that I'm putting pressure on myself to get over my grief.  That will happen when it happens.  But I just feel ready to make some changes for the better.  The ironic thing is, that if the Mayans are right, I might as well just let the house go to hell in a hand basket and eat all the cheesecake I can get my hands on.  Fingers crossed that by this time next year, I'll be around to have made good on some of my resolutions.

The best way to follow the last post, in which I was giddy with excitement about telling the boys that we were going to Disney World, is with this video clip we took Christmas morning when we actually told them.  They have been asking about Disney for about a year now, ever since they learned that the castle from the beginning of their favorite Disney movies is a real place.  And you can go to it.  And Lightning McQueen and Buzz and Woody are there.  Bigger-than-life-sized.  And you can meet them.

You know the videos you see on television when the parents are telling their kids and they're practically crying from the excitement?

This one leaves those in the dust.  In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that you've never seen a "We're going to Disney World" video like this one.

So go pop yourself some popcorn, grab a cold beverage and come back and hit play.

Go ahead.  I'll wait.

Because I'm sure you're going to want to watch this more than once.  It's just that unbelievable.

A few of my favorite things...

It's hard to believe Christmas is tomorrow.

I'm usually giddy with excitement by now, but this year has been very hard.  Yesterday marked six months since our little Brigid died, and we're missing her so much.  I am so excited for Christmas, only because I love seeing the look on the boys' faces when they come down that morning.  But I'm just not feeling it so much on the inside.

Still, there are things around us that make me happy when I see them.  These are a few of them:

I'm pretty crazy about paper snowflakes.  Jack is, too.  He decided that he wanted to make one for Santa, since the big guy doesn't really get a lot of presents for Christmas besides the ones from the elves and Mrs. Claus.  So we folded the paper and he carefully cut out a snowflake for him to put on his Christmas tree, writing "To Santa from Jack" on the back.

I just love our Christmas stockings.  Five of them just fit onto our railing and I remember thinking that we needed a new house if we were to add one more.  Or two more.  But now there are still just five.  And that one paper one that Jack made at school and added on the end for Blarney.  But there, over the door.  See that?  That's something that Patrick and I got in Ireland when we got engaged.  That's St. Brigid's cross.  It's like she's in the stocking picture, but in a different way.  When I look down the hallway and see that, it makes me happy.

Sort of.

Finally, there is a house nearby that has several of these Moravian stars hanging outside.  Some of them are over eight feet tall.  They're just beautiful and ethereal.  I love getting the boys in their jammies after dinner one night, giving them some sippy cups of hot chocolate, and driving around to look at Christmas lights.  This house is my favorite.  

And, of course, it's hard not to smile when I look at these three, even if they have been in off-the-wall mode for the past few weeks because Christmas is coming.

For the first time in years, I've gotten all of my wrapping done before Christmas Eve, which means that we can have a relaxing day together today and possibly even get to bed at a decent hour.

And then, in the morning we get to tell the boys that we're going to see this guy:

I can't stinking wait!

photo source:  http://www.americanconsumernews.com/2009/01/disney-announces-military-travel-promotion-for-2009.html

Jack's Christmas Program

These are just a couple of songs from the end of the program.  Jack did such a great job!  It was clear that he'd memorized every single song.  Patrick was saying that it brought us some perspective: when we are tempted to see Jack as a big boy here at the house and have high expectations of him, seeing him here among his peers reminds us of what a little (if tall) boy he really is and helps us to remember to let him be a kid more often.

Getting ready

We've been doing a lot of Christmas prep around here lately. There is so much to do, it's hard to juggle everything. It's also hard to balance the joy of the season with the grief that we're feeling. It was this time last year that we knew we were going to be having another little someone in our family, and we spent a lot of time thinking about what this Christmas would be like with another baby: another stocking to hang, another little someone to be in awe of the lights on the Christmas tree.

It was just two days after Christmas that we learned that little someone was going to be TWO little someones. How exciting that was! So this year, amid the hustle-bustle and the anticipation of the season, there is a sadness about what could have been. And there is so much to do that there are days when I wish I could just sit and cry. Or be bitchy and sad. Just one day when I didn't have to worry about taking care of the rest of the family and could just take care of myself...by just doing nothing. But that's not to be. I was reflecting on this as I was in the shower this morning. The shower is usually where I do my crying. It's the only time I have a few minutes to be alone with my thoughts, to be reminded, as I wash the scars on my belly, of what we went through. Of all that we did to try to make sure that at least Brigid came home safely.  But it still wasn't enough. It was so hard, and if she was here, it would have been more than worth it, but she's not. I realized the other day that I have cried every single day since March 9th. That's a lot of crying. My eyes burn constantly.

Anyway, this morning was a little different. This morning in the shower, I was laughing, remembering something funny that happened two years ago around this time. It was a little respite from the usual sadness I feel while showering, and it was like a gift for the day. Bear with me while I recount this gem of a story:

I was eight months pregnant with Thomas. Patrick had taken the two boys out for something - to Walmart, I think - and I was home alone and able to take a leisurely shower. Something I don't often do. We'd been having trouble with the toilet in our master bathroom - one of those jiggle-the-handle-or-else-it-just-keeps-running problems. Well, I used the toilet and then got in the shower. I was taking my good old time when I started thinking that the sound of the water echoing in the shower was something I hadn't noticed before. Probably because I'm usually thinking of other things and rushing to finish up. Gosh, I thought, it sounds like a babbling brook or something. Very relaxing. I finished my shower and turned off the water. Except the sound didn't stop. I opened the curtain and saw that there was two inches of water all over the bathroom floor. The toilet must have clogged and then continued running until it overflowed - a lot - and was still running.

Quickly, I jumped out of the shower (as much as an eight-month-pregnant woman can jump and be quick) and turned off the water supply to the toilet.  Think, think, think! I couldn't even think of where to start making this better.  I grabbed every towel out of the linen closet and started sopping it up, but there was still so much more.  And now the towels were so heavy and I could hardly bend down to grab them all off the floor. I threw them all, soaked, into the shower and saw that it had hardly made a dent in the mess. Then I remembered the shop vac.  I threw on a bathrobe that didn't even close around my pregnant belly and ran down to the garage to search for the shop vac, calling Patrick on the way down to ask if he knew where it was (our garage is crowded) to make the search easier.  As I got to the bottom of the steps, I could hear the water dripping down behind the walls of the foyer.  I had to be fast or else it would start soaking through the drywall.  We have a huge, industrial-sized shop vac, and I finally found it and dragged it upstairs, still dripping wet and half naked.  By now, the water is seeping out into the carpet of the bedroom as I frantically plug the shop vac in a couple feet outside the bathroom door and turn it on.  Thankfully, it served to eliminate the water in the bathroom quickly and effectively, and I started to calm down a little bit as I saw that I was making progress getting rid of it before it started draining down into the floor and through the ceiling of the main floor.  I took my time and made sure I was getting up as much of it as I could, knowing that there were no more towels to use to dry it up.  I sort of vacuumed myself out of the bathroom and as I got to the door, I started to feel some drops of water on my head.  It was only then that I looked behind myself and realized that the shop vac had merely been sucking the water out of the bathroom and then shooting it up in the air all over the bedroom!  Our entire bed was soaked, along with the floor, the dressers, and the walls and ceiling.  I just stood there and screamed.  I'm laughing hysterically as I type this, recalling the feeling of shock and horror I felt when I turned around.  I didn't have a single dry towel to use on it and I just started grabbing for sheets and blankets in an effort to dry everything.  And then I just started laughing.  I mean, honestly, it was one of those where's-the-hidden-camera moments, you know?  And I sort of just had to laugh or go crazy. 

I think that's really the key to survival.  Recognizing when you just need to laugh.  When everything is so far out of your control and you just can't believe that it could happen like that.  It's been my survival mechanism for most of my life - being able to find the humor in things.  This story sort of parallels our situation with the twins.  The blissful time in the shower is like that feeling of joy about adding twins to our family.  Opening the shower curtain and seeing the mess was like learning they had TTTS.  Working so hard to clean it up was like the surgery and months of bed rest and medications round-the-clock, and hospitalizations to make sure Brigid would be okay.  And then that shock of seeing the water all over the bedroom after I'd done all that work to clean it up was like the shock of Brigid's death. But the situation with the girls is just never going to get to the laughing stage.  And that's hard to accept.  Grief is exhausting, and I'm all kinds of tired.

Meanwhile, we're looking forward to Christmas with anticipation.  We'll be taking our boys to Walt Disney World in January.  It's a much-needed family fun time to help us reconnect and forget a little bit about what happened this year.  We're telling them Christmas morning, and I'm feeling like a kid just getting excited for both that morning and the trip itself.

Jack had his preschool Christmas program this morning and it was so fun to see him up there singing all his Christmas songs that he's worked so hard to memorize.  He only shared one of them with us beforehand and said he wanted to keep the others a surprise.  He's such a smart kid and it's amazing to see him learning new things and enjoying school.

I'll leave you with a few photos from this month.  I can't seem to get the video of the program uploaded to the blog right now, but when I'm able to do that, I'll post it.  It's so darn cute.

Thomas LOVES Santa, so it was funny to see him get shy as soon as he sat on his lap. He is rarely shy.  After a few moments of questioning from the Big Man and silence from Thomas, we said, "Okay Tommy, say bye-bye, Santa!"  Tommy said "NO!  See Santa more!"  He just liked being with him in silence, I guess, and the magic of knowing that the man in red knew his every unspoken Christmas wish.

Or something like that.

Jack turns five

It's so hard for me to believe that my first baby is turning five tomorrow.

I can't stop looking at him.  Seeing in his big boy face that same little baby face that has always been there.

He's the person who enabled me to become a mother.  That's kind of amazing.

He has the kindest heart of any five year old I know, and is the most loving boy.  He is curious, independent, intelligent, creative, and comical.

We went on a birthday date this past weekend to the Academy of Natural Sciences, and I had such a fun time with him - riding the train into Philadelphia, eating breakfast from a street vendor sitting outside the museum, checking out the fossils and bugs and bones (he was fascinated) and then riding the train back home again.  What precious time with my sweet boy.

Happy birthday, Jack! 
I love you so very much.

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For better or for worse...

Today is our sixth wedding anniversary.

When I think back over the past seven years since we met, at a little pub in Concord, Massachusetts, and I think about the person I've come to love with every part of my heart, I am so thankful to God for bringing us together.

Of course, as blissful as our new found romance was then, I knew that Patrick was the kind of person that I'd been dreaming about.  I could tell that he was special.

And the more I get to know him, the more I know for certain that I was not wrong.  Because not only is he the kind of husband who makes me feel beautiful, and special, and treasured.  The kind who isn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and help with whatever needs to be done.  The kind who loves children and being silly with them and singing to them, and comforting them when they're crying.  The kind who loves God with all his heart and soul and mind and strength, and not just on Sunday mornings at church, but in every part of his life.

But he's also the kind of husband you want with you when you go through a year like our past year has been.  The kind of husband who holds you when you are afraid.  Who cries with you when the doctor tells you he's sorry, but there is no longer a heartbeat.  Twice.  Who works a full day and then prepares dinner and packs up the bags for your three young children and then drives them almost an hour away every single Tuesday for months because you have a hospital appointment the next day.  Who brings every meal up to you in bed every single day for eight weeks, while working a full-time job.  He's the kind of husband who gives you unbelievable amounts of slack when your emotions are all over the map and you can't rein them in.  Who can see you at your absolute worst and still think you're great. He is the person who supports you even when you know he needs support, too.

I have never known a love like that from another person, and I'm convinced that God knew what lay ahead for us when we met way back on that cold December night in New England.  I remember him walking me to my car and thinking I'd really like to see him again.  I didn't know yet that he was the one for me (it would only take me about three more dates to know), but I just liked him.  He's unbelievably likeable.

Yes, God knew that we had a rough road before us, and that we would fit a whole lot of living into the next six years, but he also fit us together perfectly.  See how even the curves of our faces fit together?  He knew that we would each be the missing piece the other would need to get through something like we just went through, and I am so grateful that He did.  Because there is no other person that I want to go through this life with than Patrick, and I can't wait to see what the future will hold.  If we could get through that, we can get through anything.

Bring it.