Due date

It came at 7 p.m. tonight.

Just a little reminder from Google calendar like you might get if you had an appointment the next day.

Only here's what it said:

Reminder: Baby Brigid is due @ Fri Jul 29, 2011

Ouch.


I'd forgotten I had even set up a Google calendar.  I did it while I was on bed rest in an effort to match up the many, many offers of help we were getting with the many, many needs that we had.  I put that date in there so people would know there was an end in sight.  A goal.  A light at the end of the tunnel.  It was so I would know, too, and remember that soon enough the nightmare would be over and we'd at least have one of our little girls.  And of course I knew that she'd likely come early, but that just meant that we'd have her sooner, so unlike all three of her brothers, she'd definitely be here by her due date.  I never expected this.  This date had been in the forefront of my mind for months and months.  And now it's here.  And she's not.

There are always a few dates that a pregnant woman remembers.  At first, it's her LMP date, which she promptly forgets in exchange for her due date.  And then, usually, it's the date that she actually delivers. 

But this time, it's so different, and there are so many other dates I'll remember.

There's the date we found out we were having twins -December 27th

Then there's the date I remember being really excited for: March 9th.  It was the one where we'd find out if we were having girls or boys.  I wanted girls, but seriously weighed it against the possibility that five little boys under five might very well qualify me for automatic sainthood, and that was looking good too.  Either way, of course, we'd be thrilled.  Unfortunately, we never found out the gender of the babies on that day.  What we learned instead was that they had TTTS and that it was bad.  It was a horrible day.  The first of many, as it turned out.

I found out they were girls on March 10th when I called back, crying, to ask.

There's the date we had the laser surgery, March 15.  Followed by the day we learned that Fiona had died, March 16.  (There was no corned beef and cabbage for dinner this St. Patrick's Day.)

Then, in what felt like rapid-fire succession, there was the date that Brigid was born (May 8th), the day we buried Fiona (May27th), the day Brigid died (June 23) and the day we buried Brigid (June 30).

And then now, the only date left.  Their due date.  I'll be glad to have it behind me. 

It seems that Fall will be the only season untainted by our experience. The only one in which there won't be a date that makes me cringe a little.  I always liked Fall best, anyway.

Today I had my follow up appointment with my OB.  It was supposed to be at six weeks, but that ended up being the day of Brigid's funeral, so I had to reschedule.  It was sad not having any babies.  Usually, you bring your baby.  Show her off a little.  I started crying as soon as I got back to the room.  The doctor came in crying.  She'd been the one who did my c-section.  We just passed the Kleenex box back and forth the whole time, and I got to share a little with her about why we're doing okay.  I'm glad for that, because I'm sure I won't be the only person she sees who doesn't have her baby with her at her six week check up.

And I think that fact is the reason that we went through this.  I never would have imagined that I could be doing okay on the other side of something as devastating as this has been, but God has helped us so much.  Through the kindness of friends.  Through the support of family.  Through His own words to our hearts, reminding us of how much He loves us and how He has not left us alone.  Reminding us that He is good and that He has a plan and that we can trust Him.

It's funny - before this, nothing proved to Patrick or me that we could trust God's plan for our life more than our meeting each other.  The timing of it and how perfectly we feel like we had been chosen for each other helped us to know that after years of both of us being lonely, it didn't just happen randomly.  It strengthened my trust in Him.  And I think He used that to prepare me for this.

Tomorrow will still be a sad day, but really, we're doing okay.